If you’re interested in leading a good life like mine, there are a few rules to be followed.
1. Don’t work. If anyone asks you to do anything, play dumb (but look cute).
2. Keep an eye on your humans at all times. They are generally up to no good. They’ll sneak up on you with eye drops or ear drops, or whisk you into the bathroom when your guard is down.
3. Don’t tamely eat out of your bowl. Remember, farm dogs live off the land. Eat anything you can find. Six day old chutney and sambar out of a plastic bag dumped under a bush by a tractor driver are the best. If you can’t find those, cadge tea and buns from any workers you meet. Fresh cow dung is also delicious, but don’t get too close to cows, they can be unfriendly.
4. Food provided by your humans is good too, especially if there’s cauliflower. But insist that it’s served on the rocks. If jealous crows are watching, so much the better. You can exercise between bites by chasing them.
5. Water is precious! Drink from every puddle you come across. Even water in flower pots tastes good.
6. Make sure your humans are looking after the farm properly. Cultivate and perfect the hypnotic stare that gets you taken for walks. And once you’re out, sniff the flowers, inspect every tree, plant and stone, and dig every hole you can.
7. Run away at every opportunity. Adventure awaits!
8. Be nice to old people. They’re good company and won’t pounce on you suddenly.
9. Laugh a lot.
10. Stop at every high point. Breathe. Enjoy the view.